One Year Ago

January 21, 2014 was the day that our sweet Lincoln returned to the loving arms of his Heavenly Father. (Lincoln's Story)

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him, miss him, long to see him again. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't ache. They say time heals and, in a sense, it does. But over the last year I have learned that the heartache doesn't go away, it just becomes a little easier to deal with each day. There will forever be a part of me that is missing, a part of me that won't ever be the same.

I still have hard days. Days where I can't make it through a conversation about him without breaking down in tears. Sometimes it is hard when people ask how many children I have. Sometimes it is hard to see other people having babies. Sometimes when we sing "Families Can Be Together Forever" in church, I cry.

Those are the days I thumb through his scrapbook...

 

I thank my Heavenly Father every day for allowing me to be Lincoln's mommy. I feel so privileged that I have a sweet boy just waiting for me to make it back to him one day.

Because of what I went through I found out just how strong I could be. Coming home from the hospital I distinctly remember dreading the year ahead. I never imagined I would make it through, but I did and my testimony has been strengthened in so many ways. I know, without a doubt, that my Heavenly Father loves me, is aware of me and answers my prayers. I have felt peace and comfort every step of the way. He has never left my side.

Instead of being sad all day I am going back to the hospital to bring flowers to another woman who will become an Angel Mommy tomorrow. I now have a special place in my heart for those mommies that lose a child because I never truly understood how painful it was until I had to go through it myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHAT MAKES A MOTHER

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked, "What makes a mother?"

And I know I heard him say

A mother has a baby

This we know is true

"But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?"

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in his voice

I give special women babies

When they leave it's not their choice

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day

And some I send to feel your womb

But there's no need to stay

I just don't understand this, God

I want my baby here...

He took a breath

And cleared his throat

And then I saw a tear...

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing here

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear

But my mommy loves me so much

I got to come straight here!

I feel so lucky to have a mom

Who has so much love for me

I learned my lessons very quickly

My mommy set me free!

I miss my mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow is where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear

Mommy, please don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here."

You see, my dear sweet one

Your child is okay

Your baby is here in my arms

And this is where he'll stay

He'll wait for you with me

Until your lessons are through

And on the day that you come home

He'll be waiting here for you

~Author Unknown

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until we meet again he will be the little bit of Heaven we feel in our home.

Life as we know it.

Things never slow down around our house and it is all thanks to Mason. He keeps me on my toes!!

He is such a happy boy!

He wakes up and always has a bad case of the giggles.

When daddy leaves for work in the morning Mason comes and climbs into my bed for some snuggles.

He loves (like LOVES) being at Grandma's house!

He likes to pick out his own clothes every morning and usually chooses to wear his boots.

He can successfully take all of his clothes off in a matter of seconds.

 He loves to pee in the potty (#2...not so much).

He always asks if he can be "mommy's helper."

He helps me carry in the groceries and put them away, do the dishes, fold unfold laundry, vacuum, mop, sweep the floors and his favorite is to wipe ANYTHING down with a "flof-flof" (washcloth).

If I allowed it, he would live outside. He loves to run and throw rocks and collect sticks.

Jumping on my bed has become a daily occurrence.

Jumping OFF the bed has become a daily occurrence.

He loves Temples

He loves Ninja Turtles (because Payton loves them)

He loves Nemo

He still loves Buzz & Woody

He loves milk more than anything.

He loves to go to "Daddy's class" on Sunday (nursery)

He carries his blanket everywhere

He loves to go to the zoo (or anywhere with animals)

He knows all of his animal sounds and can say every animal (although ostrich sounds a little funny)

He can count to ten

He knows part of his alphabet

He LOVES to do puzzles. He will do them over and over again and claps after he finishes each one.

He loves to read.

He knows the song, "What Does The Fox Say" word for word.

He has never seen Frozen, but somehow he knows "Let It Go" word for word.

He will just sing and make up songs.

He likes to walk around the house and pretend to talk to people on the phone. His conversation the other day was as follows:

(I asked him if he wanted waffles or pancakes for breakfast and he told me waffles. He then grabbed his phone) "Hello? Oh hi. Oh yeah. Yeah. No. No pancakes. Waffles. Yeah, waffles. Bye."

He likes to fix things with his tools, even if they don't need fixing.

He always eats with a washcloth and asks for a wipe if his hands ever get messy in the car.

He will flex his muscles constantly. Especially when girls walk by or come over. It is the first thing he does.

He used to tell strangers that he had shoes, now he immediately points to me and says, "That's my mommy. Daddy is working."

If he gets annoyed he will roll his eyes and then throw his head in his hands.

He is a professional mess maker. Half the time he doesn't even play with the toys, he just dumps them and then reads a book or does a puzzle.

He will yell, "Stop it!" to anyone bothering him.

He is very good at sharing.

Instead of starting sentences with "I" he says "my." Instead of saying, "I hold it." he says, "My hold it."

He tells me at least once a day that he wants his own baby.

He bites his nails (ugh...horrible habit he got from his mother)

He hides to do #2. The other day I told him to lay down so I could change his diaper. He told me, "Hold on!" hid in the closet, came out and said, "I pooped."

 Mason loves his daddy. A lot.

 We've had a little MAJOR issue with climbing. Mason climbs on everything in sight. Most of the time I just let him because it isn't dangerous, but lately he has been a bit more adventurous.

I think in our new house we are going to install a climbing wall in Mason's room. Yeah, they have kits for that!

He loves pasta

He loves fruit

He loves peas

He hates carrots. He just chews them up and spits them in the garbage.

He is still fickle about what and when he eats. Some days it is great, other days might as well be Fast Sunday.

He finally calls his sippy cup a "sippy" instead of a "sissy"

He thinks guns are the greatest

He loves swords

He loves to color and draw and has the cutest imagination. He draws me pictures all the time and tells me they are boats/airplanes/daddy's truck/puppies/Temples/shoes/Grandma/etc.

He wears his backpack everywhere. He tells me he is going to Payton's school

My little brother came home from his mission this last week and Mason acted like he never left. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect reunion! Since Brian has been home Mason won't leave him alone. He has to snuggle with him and say his name a million times while we are over at my parent's house.

Every single day Mason naps in "mommy's bed." Quite frankly, I don't care one bit. After two years my child finally decided to take regular naps, averaging three hours, so he can sleep wherever he wants!!

(He had just woken up and didn't have a clue what was going on)

He takes selfies on my phone all the time and makes the goofiest faces!

He loves to dance and while watching a movie will ask me to fast forward to the end credits where the music plays.

He is so hard to wake up! Quite often I will go in to wake him up, he will tell me no and go back to sleep.

Only one of his two year old molars has come through.

He wears a size 10 shoe (and his 6 year old cousin wears a size 11) Yeah...big feet.

His clothes are all size 3T and his jammies are all size 4T

He loves to wear hats and sunglasses

When he bows his head to pray, I melt.

He loves to say prayers.

He loves to read scriptures (as long as they have pictures)

He will point out every picture of Jesus in our house.

During sacrament meeting he says, "All done. Bye-Bye" and tries to leave to go to nursery.

He is very interested in buses

He points out every single airplane or helicopter ("helitockter")

He loves dogs

He thinks the worms in the grass are snakes

He has loved this time of year! He loves to see all the pumpkins in the fields of the pumpkin patches and had a blast carving and painting his pumpkin! It is currently rotting on our front porch. :)

So blessed to be his mommy (even on his bad days).

These last couple of months have been crazy, but life isn't about to slow down. We are moving out of our house in less than two weeks! I hope and pray that moving into a new house is a smooth transition for my little Bubba!